Day 40: The 5th of September

It has been 40 days since I started this blog. Who would have thought it?

Today has been a bit weird. I woke up late and spent the whole day sitting alone in my room, wondering what was going on. When my parents finally did come home I got dinner with a side of reality check.

I’m not going to go into details but today was the first time I’ve cried in quite a while. And in all fairness, it’s a nice release. I feel a lot more refreshed and relaxed now that it is out of the way, even if it is a pain to deal with at he time.

I’ve always been the type to bottle up my emotions in order to keep other people happy. After all, I can usually deal with my feelings alone in my own time, or so I like to think. This normally ends in me feeling like everyone in the world hates me for a few days before I go back to normal.

I guess it’s not the healthiest way to live, but it is fine by me.

So yeah, not much to really talk about today. I would love to talk about something nonsensical and silly like I used to but I’m not really feeling it. Sorry.

It’s a bit annoying to be honest, I kind of feel like I’m shutting my feelings down from even the very thing I created to release them. Maybe I will talk a little bit longer. It will be me being self-centered again, so be warned.

I am alone. I live my life sitting in my room, talking to nobody most of the time and enjoying my own company. And I admit that I am a bit of a weirdo (maybe that is an understatement). Even when I see my own family I feel like the odd one out, the only child left in the family and the only one who hasn’t changed at all for the past 5 years. All the others have moved forward, meeting new people and becoming new people themselves. I just feel like I’ve been left behind.

Not that it really matters to me. I only march by my own tempo and if that leaves me alone and left behind then so be it. At the same time I am constantly worrying about how others think of me, to the point that I try never to talk about myself to my friends or family in fear of them thinking that I am self-centered. That is probably why I talk about myself so much on this blog.

No matter what happens, I try to keep a cool head and treat everything lightly to make others feel better, but this can backfire really easily in two main ways. Either if I annoy someone they don’t think I am sorry because I try always to smile or if I am annoyed at somebody they don’t realise because I don’t make it obvious. I guess I’m just trying to keep up a persona.

I don’t know if anyone really knows their ‘true’ self. I don’t think I know who I really am or what my personality is like. All I know is that as long as I keep looking forward and I stay proud of who I am I can stay happy.

I wish I could say that I am a good person, but who knows if that is really true? I’ve got quite a spiteful side in reality and I have already said how much of a hypocrite I am. Maybe if I stopped typing these posts about myself and started taking my own advice, I’d be a better person. Am I right?

This post has already been derailed a few times while I’ve been thinking, so I am going to end it off here. All of this stuff I just typed is pretty much just my inner thoughts, so it is probably irrelevant, but I can’t be bothered to go back and delete it. Especially if I have to come up with something new to post instead!

So, I’ll retire for the evening now. Thanks for staying with me through thick and thin, even if I don’t do anything to deserve it.

Elliott Rogers, novice blog writer extraordinaire.

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