Day 50: The 15th of September

It’s finally here! The 50th post! Please, put your hands together for the…


Since this is going to be a long one, I am going to go to the liberty of putting it into sections. That way you can pick which bits you want to read; it will be great! Let’s begin.

If you want, you can CTRL + F to any of these sections:

1: -Part One: My Blog-

2: -Part Two: My Relationship With Alpha-

3: -Part Three: Some Trivia About Me-

If not, have fun trawling through over 2500 words of the terrible things that come out of my keyboard. I wish you luck.

-Part One: My Blog-

So, it has been 50 whole days since I started this mess of writing I like to call a blog. Not much has really happened in all that time though, has it? It is kind of weird, since the next few weeks are going to be where things actually start getting interesting, but let us call this the prologue to that. So, I guess the question is has writing this blog changed anything in my life?

Well, on the whole I’d say no. Except, of course, that it has proven that I can stick to a set schedule if I put my mind to it. As far as I know I have never missed a daily post, apart from the time I wrote it while half asleep in bed and that honestly amazes me. It just shows what willpower can make you do, considering I never have anything interesting to write about.

Maybe it has had some effect on me though… It has certainly affected my interactions with others, so there is that. Now, a lot of my friends know what I’ve been up to and talk to me about stuff to do with my life, which never used to be discussed due to me not wanting to talk about it. It’s rather nice knowing that other people understand me a lot better due to writing this.

On the whole though, I don’t honestly know if this blog has any real purpose. I mean, I still hide things about me from this blog; things that I should really just let out considering that was the whole point of writing it. I guess I just don’t want to disappoint anyone reading by ruining my amazing image I have been building up in my posts. That was sarcasm by the way.

So yeah, that’s all I wanted to say about the blog. I guess next I might get onto the juicy topic I’ve been hinting at for ages: the rest of my relationship story. I hope you enjoy it. It probably wasn’t worth the wait to be honest; I may not even remember all of it.

-Part Two: My Relationship With Alpha-

Indeed, if I recall I named my ex-girlfriend Alpha in my last couple of posts on the subject. If I’m wrong, please forgive me. So, where we last left off I had finally decided to try a relationship for the first time. And boy, it sure was scary.

It turns out that being in a relationship is a lot more than just hanging out at school together and holding hands occasionally. Most of the beginning of the relationship is a blur now, probably due to me subconsciously blocking it out. I guess I can start by talking about the abomination that was my ‘first kiss’.

I say it like that because I’m honestly not sure it should count. I mean, our lips did connect at some point during the event, so maybe? It all started when Alpha started really obviously hinting that she wanted me to kiss her before leaving her form that day to go to afternoon lessons. Those of you with good memories will remember that I am terrible socially and also that I had no romantic feelings for Alpha at all. This proved to be a rather difficult, if slightly humourous situation where she thought I was just playing hard to get – to be cool, you know – and I was just desperately trying to leave without being late to class or offending her.

It all ended with me walking out of the form room and getting halfway down the corridor when she slammed open the door and sprinted at me. At this point I was legitimately terrified. Then she grabbed me roughly by the ears and proceeded to smash her nose square into mine, causing us to both groan in agony and clutch our faces. So yeah, not the best introduction to being intimate with someone.

Some time into our relationship we started a routine of talking using Facebook chat every night from 7 PM til whenever she left. This would typically be me being a lot more flirtatious than I should have been to try to keep up with Alpha’s feelings. Thinking back on it now, I really was pretty terrible in that way. I just always found it easier to talk and flirt over the internet where I wouldn’t have to see awkward real life reactions to things I said. Anyway, things seemed to be going swimmingly, Alpha was having fun and I was being able to enjoy the company of my friend without having to worry about her asking me any serious questions about my feelings anymore. Of course it couldn’t last.

I also used to visit her house quite often, as well as her Aunt’s house, since she lived right next to the school. I met a lot of her family and tried to be the helpful and diligent boy who I’m sure you can tell I turned into. She had a little baby cousin who seemed to enjoy my company for some reason and her parents and little brother seemed to not mind me being around and occasionally helping with the housework.

As an aside, I’m still curious and feel pretty bad when I think about her family now. I wonder if they all hate me for what happened. It would really hurt to see any of them again now, since they probably all blame me for causing the drama. Sometimes I wish I could meet them all again, especially her little cousin, and at least try to explain what happened. On the other hand, they all could just not give a damn and I could be being narcissistic again. We will never know.

I’ve really forgotten a lot of the details of what happened in the middle of the relationship now, so I’ll skip over that and get right to the juicy part: the cause of the breakup.

I think one of the main things I didn’t like about my situation was that if I was even a little bit late in coming onto Facebook in the evening, Alpha would shout at me about it and get really depressed. It was really rather annoying for me, since I had to spend a long time calming her down.

The other main thing is what I consider the most serious and, frankly, weird. She started insulting me and winding me up constantly. At first I just weathered it; I really was quite reserved back then and I just didn’t want to hurt anyone. Eventually though, my fragile childish pride got the better of me. She had been saying things all evening on Facebook about how I had no balls and other childish insults. At this time I didn’t have as much knowledge of the internet as I do now and I actually took this sort of thing seriously.

Anyway, long story short (too late!) I jokingly replied by saying ‘If you keep saying stuff like that I’ll have to slap a bitch’ which, I admit, was a bit callous and mean, but I had been shouted at for so many evenings that I just got used to this emotionally violent relationship. She responded by saying that I never would since I would never have the guts or the balls to do anything like that. ‘Everyone knows that I am the one with the balls in this relationship.’

I guess she was in a joking mood at this stage, since when I tried to argue about equality being the most important thing in a relationship for me, she basically laughed at me. It was at about that time that I logged out and put the whole issue to bed for the night.

The next day I remember less clearly, apart from the key events in it. By the way, if you liked past me before this point, you probably won’t afterwards. I know I felt like I was a terrible person for quite a while afterwards myself. So, as usual I came into school and met up at break time near the central square of the school with Alpha and our other two friends, who I will probably write something on at some point in the future.

I don’t remember exactly what led up to it, but I told Alpha that if she kept annoying me I would slap her. Now I know that was a really petty way of dealing with it, but it was a huge deal for me, with all my ideas of chivalry. She basically repeated what she had said the night before and I snapped. About halfway through the slapping motion I felt awful and pulled it as much as possible, turning it into basically a light tap on the cheek. Then I just turned and walked away to my other friends.

Now, this is going to be the last bit on this relationship for tonight, since I have already bored you enough. This was the kicker. So, a minute or so later Alpha walked up to me and asked ‘What did that mean?’ or something to that effect. This was the really stinging bit of the whole encounter, I feel, because I couldn’t bring myself to say ‘I don’t want to go out with you anymore’. Instead I said, ‘I don’t want you anymore.’

So yeah, that was practically when I broke up with Alpha. There was a bit of a relapse after that, but I have already bored you enough, so I’m going to write one more section and then hit the hay.

-Part Three: Some Trivia About Me-

I got this idea from a good friend of mine, who said to write a list of facts about myself as a post. It didn’t really feel right to dedicate a whole daily post to just that though, since I prefer to at least briefly mention my day in them (this post excluded), but since I have already dragged out this post for more than 1700 words (my lord!) I might as well do a small list.

So, facts about myself, eh? Well, I should change the format slightly for this I guess. I still seem to only think of secrets about myself when I’m trying to think of facts. Whatever, I suppose.

  • I never really listen to normal music

By this I mean that I only really listen to video game soundtracks and anime soundtracks in my spare time; nothing from popular bands or anything like that. I just prefer music without lyrics or with lyrics I don’t understand, since I prefer to think about my own emotions rather than the emotions the songwriter is trying to convey. I find listening to music to be a very personal experience as I usually delve into my thoughts while I listen to it.

Another major factor to do with this is that I don’t like music that makes me sad, angry or anything like that. I much prefer tranquil songs where I don’t have to worry about anything. Funnily enough, Alpha managed to completely ruin a song for me, to the point where every time I hear it my heart aches and I get really sad. It was called ‘Everytime We Touch’ by Cascada and Alpha told me it made her think of our relationship. That it was her song for us. What a pain for that song of all of them to make me have feelings.

  • I have dislocated my arms far too many times for it to be healthy.

It was actually more my parents and sibling who dislocated my arms for me, typically by trying to pull me onto a bouncy castle or other fun activities. My father used to just pop it back into the socket after a while though. Funnily enough, this fact was also the one I used when I went on a trip with the school to do some water sports at a local reservoir. The instructors kept asking us to give a fact about ourselves to share with the group and that was the only one I could think of that was interesting. I still remember the groans every time I said it. Just goes to show, I always have been boring.

  • My favourite colour is blue… or is it green? Or red?

This doesn’t really count as a fact to be honest. I really just don’t know what my favourite colour is. I just always pick blue because that’s what I have picked for years. On the other hand, when I was a child my favourite colour was yellow, so take from that what you will.

I think my favourite colour is probably somewhere between blue and green, but I can never decide absolutely. It always seems a bit mean to just pick one thing as your absolute favourite when there are others that are equally good. Oh well…

  • I have wanted to be a farmer, a blacksmith, a spy, an author and a lawyer, amongst other things, during my life.

Yes, when I was a child I really didn’t seem to have a clue what I wanted to be when I grew up. It seemed to vary with the wind, from when I was watching James Bond and longing for the spy life to when I was reading a nice fantasy novel and dreaming about forging my own sword. Who knows, all or none of these dreams could potentially come true at some point.

And, sadly, I think I’ll have to call it quits there. This post has taken ages and it is now 3:00 AM, meaning it is way past my bedtime. I hope that if you have successfully read through all of this rubbish that I typed out in the space of an hour and a half, you enjoyed your journey. I’ll be going back to relatively short 500 – 1000 word posts after this, at least until the 100th post.

So, yes. I hope you all have a great day and I hope you continue reading this blog for another 50 posts so that I have to struggle to think of an interesting topic for the next one! I just did some calculations and found out that the 100th post will be on the 4th of November, three days after my birthday of November 1st. That will be fun, I’m sure…

From me, with love.

Elliott Rogers, novice blog writer extraordinaire.


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