Day 386: The 16th of August

Man. It’s been a lonely day.

The day was mostly spent thinking about what I could possibly do with my time, thus defeating the point of me waking up at a reasonable time in the morning. I was in that sort of mood where nothing appealed to me, so I ended up just doing nothing.

I tried to entertain myself with a variety of activities. I tried to do some writing, but that dried up pretty quickly. To be honest, I wasn’t in the best mood for it, my brain felt as dry as a rock. I did play some CS:GO with the others, but it has been feeling hollow as of late. I haven’t been playing my best, mostly due to being burnt out.

The highlight of the day was probably getting to eat an actual dinner and seeing my nephew again. That was a fun little diversion and I got to talk to some of my favourite people. We watched some more of the Olympics, which is always a treat. Then they headed off home.

I feel like I have been shunning the majority of my friends recently. To be honest, it is less of a feeling and more blatant fact. I feel like a huge dick too, like I am drifting away from everyone I used to care about and everyone who used to care about me. I think it just goes to show the challenge of maintaining those connections when you rarely see each other in person.

I would love to have someone to talk to. About all of my interests and everything that I enjoy myself. None of my current friends really know all the sides of my personality. The group I am currently hanging out with just play CS:GO with me and chat in a boisterous manner. It’s not like I could talk to them about MLP, or any of the more relaxing games I play.

The other problem is that, while I would love to talk to someone new, I find it almost impossible. I have definitely said this before, but it came into the light recently. I was on a server of GMOD, it was an MLP server to be exact. But even on there I couldn’t bring myself to even look the other people’s characters in the eye, let alone actually speak to them. I can just never think of anything interesting I could possibly say to liven a conversation.

When I have a conversation with someone, I am able to interact with them smoothly and tell jokes and whatnot because I have analysed their personality and their likes and dislikes. That is what allows you to tell a joke that you know the other person will appreciate, without making it awkward. If you have just met someone, it can be extremely hard to get this information. That makes it hard to even pick a conversation topic to discuss, after all how can you tell if they are bored or interested without knowing their facial expressions?

So, right now I am sitting here in my comfy leather chair. Listening to some noir jazz and just thinking. I don’t like to pretend that my thoughts are deep or meaningful in any way, I leave that to my other friends. I know full well that I am as normal as everyone else. But that doesn’t stop the challenges of life.

Y’know, after all this, I feel pretty content. Just sitting here, relaxing. It gives me time to think. This bassline is also pretty soothing. I understand why baby Corwin likes the deep, low sounds. There is definitely something comforting about it.

I just feel like nothing in my life is changing at all. That is partly my own fault I am sure. I dislike change as much as the next person. It just seems like everyone else is moving on. Growing up. In reality, I feel like I am actually the most grown up of all of these guys, but they have done so much with their lives. They have experiences.

This is just a rant for rants sake though. There is a pretty simple reason for all of this. It’s called my own hesitation. I would rather stay the same than take any risks and so it goes. It’s not necessarily a bad thing. It makes life predictable, to an extent.

Man, I am sounding like Alex now. In reality, after getting all this melodramatic stuff off my chest, I feel a lot better. I feel like people always feel better when they tell themselves that there is something wrong with themselves. It makes them feel special and unique and it is a lot easier than telling yourself that you are special because of a positive thing you can do. No wonder people like diagnosing themselves with all sorts of strange conditions. It gives them something to say, something to blame.

And by that I am not saying that people with mental health conditions are faking it, or whatever. Hell, if I were to go self-diagnosing there would be hundreds of conditions flagged up for myself. But self-diagnoses doesn’t change anything. It just gives you a way to describe your state. In the end, condition or not, you are still going to be you.

Man, I am not making what I am trying to say any clearer. I am just babbling at this point, while I listen to more jazz. I think I’ve been writing this for a good half-hour now. Maybe I should pack up and go to sleep. Otherwise I will meander down my thought processes for the rest of the night. This post is long enough as it is.

I think it is about time. I hope that no one bothered reading this whole thing. I mean, it was a waste of time, if you did. Just want to remind you all of that. And with that, I am going to head to bed. Sweet dreams everyone, just remember to be chill. It’s the good life.

Elliott Rogers, novice blog writer extraordinaire.


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