Day 400: The 30th of August

Oh God. It’s the 400th day of the blog.

I honestly have not thought at all about if I am going to do anything special for this. I am a bit unprepared for such a milestone.

Honestly, outside of what I do daily, I really don’t know anything interesting I would put in a big post like this anymore. I pretty much exhausted all of the interesting stuff about me in the first 300 posts I had made. Anyway, we can at least start with today.

So I woke up. The time I woke up is pretty irrelevant at this point, I’m sure. I had a bath after breakfast and then I decided to make a new Fallout 4 character. I didn’t play much of them though, since I am playing on Survival difficulty now and I want to have more time to dedicate to that sort of thing. Instead, I went downstairs to investigate how the baby was doing.

My mother and sister were watching a terrible movie, which Ben and I later joined them to watch. It was the old 2004 Thunderbirds movie, if anyone is interested. So that took up a little bit of time, but was quite fun. Then my mother went off to finish dinner and Emma, Ben and I finished the season 5 premiere of MLP. Good times.

After dinner, Emma and Ben headed off home. I came back upstairs and lounged around helplessly until about 1 AM, when Jake came online. Then we played League of Legends and sat around until about 2:30 AM, when Jake went to sleep.

And now it is 3:15 AM and I am sitting here writing this blog post. I still can’t really believe how much of a routine this blog has become now. Just part of the ticking clockwork of my life at this point. Something along the lines of: stay up too late, finish my blog post, lie in bed for half an hour waiting for the soft embrace of sleep.

So, would I say that the blog has been a positive effect on my life? I really have no idea. I think in the beginning it was very positive. I used to write on here whenever I had a problematic conversation with the guys and then we would sort it out together. Now they don’t read this anymore and they rarely even speak to me anymore.

I guess another positive is that I write down my thoughts, even if I do leave out quite a lot, even now. There are some things that you can’t share, even if they will never be read by another soul. Even online I am constantly haunted by what other people think of me. I have been told time and again not to worry about what other people think, but it never stops the worry.

So much of my self worth is still based around how other people perceive me. It’s really not a sustainable way of living. I even feel bad about how my parents think of me and they are the first to support me in pretty much everything. My mother always tells her children how much better it is to not be normal, to stand out and be unique. But still, at times I think she thinks I am the weirdest member of the family.

I think if there is one thing this blog has done in spades, it is make me feel bad about my situation in life. Even if no one reads this blog, I still worry about what potential readers would think of me. And so far, I have a pretty good idea. After all, I am a shut-in, I play games all day and contribute nothing of worth to society. I crave the attention of others so much that it is pretty creepy.

All in all, it’s not a particularly flattering picture. And without this blog, I wouldn’t care too much, since no one would know or be able to judge me on it. But it really just brings it to the forefront of my mind. This is who I am, at the moment.

On the other hand, I don’t want to stop writing my blog. As much as it hurts, sitting down to write down the same thing every single day, it is an archive of the past year of my life. Maybe one day I will have a chance to sit down and read it all back. Then I will be able to see the me of the past and what his personality was like, compared to who I will become in the future. And I think that is an aim worth the suffering.

Anyway, that about sums it up. It is time for me to sleep at this point.

Elliott Rogers, novice blog writer extraordinaire.

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