Day 553: The 30th of January

It was a painful day.

Today was a day of confronting my weaknesses and my fears and trying to move past them. The fear of being judged by my friends and family as being a lazy person who can’t do anything and, perhaps more importantly, the fear of being judged by myself for not being able to do anything. I do anything I can to put off the stresses that come from taking responsibility for my life, but today I instead focused almost solely on that, spending hours applying for Summer work experience.

In the evening we finally began playing some D&D, as strange an experience as it was. I can’t really describe it all too well, everyone was very quiet and reserved and my character, who was meant to be far less outspoken, ended up having to lead a lot of the discussion. I do hope that as we move forward people start to actually take part and improve our skills, especially in the department of improvisation. A lot of the time the gameplay was slowed down by small things that in the grand scheme of things don’t really matter, and yet some important stuff was left out a lot of the time.

I feel like the main issue comes from our DM not being as in control as I would like. I admit that I was prompting him at some points, which was probably not the right move. I should probably give him time to improve himself. At the same time, one of the other players powergamed a little bit, describing characters that they didn’t even know and not waiting for the DM’s prompt to assume certain things. They seemed to have fun though, so that can be ironed out a bit easier.

I guess, as the day comes to an end, I just feel like a bit of a disappointment. It’s hard, when you are so often told that you are the brightest star in the sky, to actually believe it. I would say that in a lot of things, I doubt people’s honesty. I am often told so many positive things about myself, yet who can I actually believe? It all comes down to the old author’s motto, ‘show, don’t tell’. Without anything of substance to prove that I am any good at anything, how can I believe that it could be true?

Of course, that is also something drilled into you throughout life though, and it isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Having evidence for anything you say is an important part of seeming well-informed, having good understanding of an issue and is further taught in the way that students are tested. No marks for saying the right thing unless you have evidence for it.

It does make it hard for you to feel good about yourself though. After all, I’m apparently hardworking, yet I have never had a job. I am apparently attractive, but I have never had a real relationship. I’m apparently intelligent, but I have been getting basically average grades since A-level. The only thing to assume is that the people telling me these things are either dreadfully misinformed, biased or simply lying.

It does feel good to vocalise all of that though. Even if I pretty much always sound like a needy, attention-seeking little bitch. Because that is what this blog is for. If I can’t indulge in a little bit of wallowing in self pity here, where can I do it?

Anyway, let’s wrap this up. Have a very lovely Tuesday everyone.

Elliott Rogers, novice blog writer extraordinaire.

Day 552: The 29th of January

Today. It happened.

So, my mother and I had a bit of a discussion about my future over the upcoming couple of years and I pretty much decided that I would rather take my employment into my own hands, rather than having it overseen by the university. I am going to be applying for some Summer vacation schemes over the coming days, to at least make an attempt at finding some experience before the end of university.

Feels strange, saying that. The end of university is not as far away as anyone might think. University is always described as this long, work-heavy process. Yet it is only three years and only twenty two weeks per year. I am already halfway through my entire course.

Other than that, I’ve been feeling pretty down, in truth. Just feel like a waste of space, who has essentially been living the good life while everyone else is working hard. And that is true, so there isn’t really much to argue there. I also have no idea what I want to do with my life, once university ends. I never really thought about what I wanted to do once I left education for good, I just assumed that I would know when it happened.

Was lying in bed for a good few hours yesterday evening, just wallowing in self-pity. Thinking about how, unlike practically everyone I know, I have essentially no life skills and no knowledge of the adult world of stuff like work. I know how to write a reasonably well-worded essay and how to memorise facts, but I don’t really know anything practical. That’s probably why teaching often appeals to me to some degree, even if I would be awful. At least I would actually know what I am talking about. In that regard it is a bit of a vicious cycle.

Despite that, I am feeling somewhat better today. The knowledge that I can just get work experience in my own time, without having to go through all the channels of university or being essentially held back a year and having to do the final year with strangers. I’m also a bit annoyed at just how limited the information regarding placements is, in terms of university help. There is no one place that has all the information you need in an easy to find and read document. Instead, they deliver it piecemeal and essentially expect you to just be able to figure it out. Well, fuck it, I just won’t do one.

I feel like my vocabulary and grasp of the English language has noticeably slipped in the past year as well. Honestly, I use the same words far too often and I find myself simplifying my sentences instead of attempting to use punctuation correctly. It’s stupid, I should be able to handle this stuff easily.

Need to go over some stuff and practice it, really. Comma placement, semi-colons and whatnot still throw me off on a daily basis, especially in this blog. It’s actually rather annoying, how much I care about appearances on here, when no one actually reads it. I guess that is the problem of having an online blog that is incredibly easy to find. Makes it hard to say exactly what you are thinking at any one time.

I’m rambling now though, so I should probably wrap this up. Hope everyone had a good weekend and are now ready to start the new week. And as always, hope everyone had a very good Sunday. Have a good Monday everyone.

Elliott Rogers, novice blog writer extraordinaire.

Day 551: The 28th of January

I can’t believe we are almost at the end of the first month of 2017.

Yes, we shall soon say goodbye to January. What a stressful month it has been, looking back at it. Yet, at the same time, it was nice. No university lectures to go to or anything, just revision and coursework writing. And, honestly, Christmas already feels long ago, despite only being a month ago.

Ah well, it has been a pleasant day. Saw my brother, had a couple of laughs with the parents and actually ate two meals, rather than the normal one. Need to actually get back into the old D&D chat, since people are starting to question if we can start or not. Now would be the best time, since exams and other university work is over for a short while.

Maybe I shall message the group tomorrow. Try to get them motivated and whatnot. In all fairness I think I was pretty burnt out with the whole thing after asking about it for what felt like forever, so I haven’t been chasing it up. Still, need to actually try. Especially since most of the group keeps saying how eager they are to start. Not entirely convinced, due to the limited communication on the issue.

I think it is about time to sleep now though. Want to go to sleep at least slightly earlier tonight. Could not force myself to get out of bed this morning for a good while. Although, when I did, I did vacuum my room, so there is that. Anyway, have a good Sunday everyone!

Elliott Rogers, novice blog writer extraordinaire.

Day 550: The 27th of January

Well today I decided to take the plunge and start playing through one of the old classics, Chrono Trigger, for the first time.

It has been a bit of a wild ride. I started playing at around midday, after breakfast and I just stopped for the night at 2 AM. With a couple of hours to have a bath and eat dinner in between, it is still quite a long time. I never imagined they could fit this much into a SNES game.

The game is very interesting so far. Honestly I have no idea how far I am through it, though by my character level I could hazard a guess. A very unique combat system, focusing far more on taking turns quickly and thinking through your moves as fast as possible, since the enemies won’t wait for you. That is coupled with a system where the enemies move around and sometimes you have to wait for them to be close together to hit them with an area of effect attack.

Apparently there are also multiple endings to this game depending on what you do. Sounds like there is still many hours of content to find. I am looking forward to it. Even if sometimes the fights can get a bit tedious, though that mainly comes from attack animations taking just a little bit too long for my liking.

Anyway, given the time I’m sure you will forgive me for going to bed. Have a very fine Saturday everyone.

Elliott Rogers, novice blog writer extraordinaire.

Day 549: The 26th of January

I have finally rekindled my enjoyment of Overwatch.

All it took is a bit of switching it up, playing other heroes who I enjoy and generally not taking it as seriously. It also helped that I now have 3 of the new legendary skins for this event. Good times.

I also saw Corwin today, who was looking happy. Seemed to be in a good mood for most of the time, but that might just be because I was upstairs for a lot of the evening.

Finished up tonight with a nice hot chocolate, using up the last of my special Christmas hot chocolate powder. Ah well, it was very enjoyable while it lasted.

And now, I depart. I am going to try to wake up earlier tomorrow and thus have a longer day. We shall see how this goes. Have a good Friday.

Elliott Rogers, novice blog writer extraordinaire.

 

Day 548: The 25th of January

Today was nice.

I woke up to my mother bringing me a lovely buttered crumpet in the morning, before she headed out for the day. That was a good start, followed up by a bath and generally getting clean.

Played a number of games today, including a new playthrough of Dishonoured 2, which I am running through on high chaos, killing people instead of merely knocking them out. It is rather liberating to be able to just cut a bloody swath through the enemies, especially with the power to stop time. Very enjoyable.

Mother made a new batch of her homemade soup today too. It is very nice, a pretty good batch this time. Sometimes I can find it a bit too thick for my tastes but it is nice and smooth and delicious, with lots of meatballs.

So that was today. A nice day indeed. And now I make my exit. Have a very fine Thursday everyone.

Elliott Rogers, novice blog writer extraordinaire.

Day 547: The 24th of January

First day of not having to worry and I spent most of it asleep. Good times.

Overwatch released its new event today as well, which I managed to get a new legendary skin from in my first loot box. Luck is turning my way it seems. It’s the Chinese New Year event, so most of the skins are really pretty.

I did need a long sleep today though. Just needed to get some of the tension out and not worry for a while. Should be a good couple of weeks coming up, before the return to university.

Anyway, I’m going to head off. Have a good Wednesday everyone.

Elliott Rogers, novice blog writer extraordinaire.

Day 546: The 23rd of January

The exams are over!

Such a relief to come home after a long three weeks of stressing over exams and just chill out. I have been playing Sims 4 late into the night tonight, though my eyes are getting tired and I am now planning on wrapping it up.

The exam went pretty well. Could answer the questions and managed to get down case names. There were also no distractions, unlike last week’s shenanigans. Just a peaceful two hours of writing as much as I could recall.

Tomorrow a new Overwatch update will launch, which I am quite excited about. New skins, new gamemodes. Should be a fun time. Until then, I shall be sleeping.

So, I’m off to bed. Hope everyone has a very good Tuesday and I will see you all tomorrow.

Elliott Rogers, novice blog writer extraordinaire.

Day 545: The 22nd of January

So, night before the final exam of this exam season now. How am I feeling?

Honestly, not too bad. I think I have enough knowledge to be able to answer the questions at this stage, mainly through a huge weight of cases. Seriously, this module has so many cases that all overlap and interlink in really annoying ways. Just got finished revising the last two topics of the module, so they should be good.

I may revise some of the previous topics again while I lie in bed tonight. I find that it soothes my nerves and I often remember those cases pretty well in the exam. It also just lets me know that I do actually know them, most of the time, so there isn’t too much to worry about.

In fact, the worst part of tomorrow is the trains. Another conductor’s strike tomorrow, means I will probably be doing a lot more changing than normal. Shouldn’t matter in terms of getting into university though, I have been getting in an hour and a half early for the exams consistently for the past two. If I do the same, even if I am slightly delayed I should be within time.

Before I go to sleep tonight we have the usual ritual of checking my seat number, the time and location of the exam and what time I need to leave to catch the train. If all goes well, tomorrow should be the last day of agony I shall have to suffer for at least a little while.

Anyway, let’s head off and sort out the last bits. Have a good Monday everyone and wish me luck for this exam. This time tomorrow I should be facing this blog post, relieved to be done.

Elliott Rogers, novice blog writer extraordinaire.

Day 544: The 21st of January

Another day, another revision session.

Should be pretty well versed in the law by the end of tomorrow. At least enough to get a passable grade on this Equity and Trusts exam. Most people felt pretty bad about this one, since we got taught practically nothing about how to answer a question in the lectures.

There are a lot of cases, but then again, I have a lot of time and memory space available for them since I have vented out all that I learned over the past two weeks to make room. Just kidding, I’m sure most of the stuff I revised is hiding in the back of my mind.

Still, feeling a little bit nervous, as one tends to before an exam. Just need to get my knowledge down, look at some past questions and get to grips with how I would answer them. If I can do that, I should be able to handle 3 questions in 2 hours. 40 minutes per question doesn’t leave too much actual writing time, so each question should be quite a bit less detailed than the other exams which were 2 questions in 2 hours. That 20 minutes makes all the difference.

I was thinking about playing something tonight, but it is already pretty late. Currently half midnight at the time of writing. Should probably finish up and go to sleep, really. But, regardless, have a good Sunday everyone!

Elliott Rogers, novice blog writer extraordinaire.