Day 553: The 30th of January

It was a painful day.

Today was a day of confronting my weaknesses and my fears and trying to move past them. The fear of being judged by my friends and family as being a lazy person who can’t do anything and, perhaps more importantly, the fear of being judged by myself for not being able to do anything. I do anything I can to put off the stresses that come from taking responsibility for my life, but today I instead focused almost solely on that, spending hours applying for Summer work experience.

In the evening we finally began playing some D&D, as strange an experience as it was. I can’t really describe it all too well, everyone was very quiet and reserved and my character, who was meant to be far less outspoken, ended up having to lead a lot of the discussion. I do hope that as we move forward people start to actually take part and improve our skills, especially in the department of improvisation. A lot of the time the gameplay was slowed down by small things that in the grand scheme of things don’t really matter, and yet some important stuff was left out a lot of the time.

I feel like the main issue comes from our DM not being as in control as I would like. I admit that I was prompting him at some points, which was probably not the right move. I should probably give him time to improve himself. At the same time, one of the other players powergamed a little bit, describing characters that they didn’t even know and not waiting for the DM’s prompt to assume certain things. They seemed to have fun though, so that can be ironed out a bit easier.

I guess, as the day comes to an end, I just feel like a bit of a disappointment. It’s hard, when you are so often told that you are the brightest star in the sky, to actually believe it. I would say that in a lot of things, I doubt people’s honesty. I am often told so many positive things about myself, yet who can I actually believe? It all comes down to the old author’s motto, ‘show, don’t tell’. Without anything of substance to prove that I am any good at anything, how can I believe that it could be true?

Of course, that is also something drilled into you throughout life though, and it isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Having evidence for anything you say is an important part of seeming well-informed, having good understanding of an issue and is further taught in the way that students are tested. No marks for saying the right thing unless you have evidence for it.

It does make it hard for you to feel good about yourself though. After all, I’m apparently hardworking, yet I have never had a job. I am apparently attractive, but I have never had a real relationship. I’m apparently intelligent, but I have been getting basically average grades since A-level. The only thing to assume is that the people telling me these things are either dreadfully misinformed, biased or simply lying.

It does feel good to vocalise all of that though. Even if I pretty much always sound like a needy, attention-seeking little bitch. Because that is what this blog is for. If I can’t indulge in a little bit of wallowing in self pity here, where can I do it?

Anyway, let’s wrap this up. Have a very lovely Tuesday everyone.

Elliott Rogers, novice blog writer extraordinaire.

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