Day 626: The 13th of April

Well. Well, well.

Honestly, I am feeling guilty tonight. Just about everything. I was going to go out and see the gang, but everyone in the house was pretty tired and I didn’t want to be a nuisance to the family. Plus, I don’t really want to have to go out to London tomorrow, but I know my mother wants me to come.

It just makes me feel like a waste of space when I decline to go out with people. Even though I genuinely don’t want to. People wonder why I struggle to voice my opinions or make decisions on doing things, but the decisions are always so weighted. It is never about what I want to do. It is about the fact that other people will be disappointed if I don’t choose the ‘correct’ option. And there is pretty much no worse feeling than knowing that you disappointed someone. That moment when their optimism shatters and they just sadly accept that you chose a different choice.

Maybe I am bigging up my importance. I mean, they would still have a good time without me, I am sure. It still makes me feel awful, like I have wasted some time I could have spent with this person.

I just don’t know what to do. I know that if I go I won’t have that much fun, but if I stay I will feel guilty and awful all day. Every fibre of my being is saying that I should just stay, do the hovering and some other chores and then have fun. But I let people down so often with this stuff, I know in my heart that I am being judged. That everyone thinks of me as a shut-in and too self-absorbed.

What the hell am I doing? I should go to bed. I’ll be stewing over this question all night otherwise. Have a good Friday everyone.

Elliott Rogers, novice blog writer extraordinaire.

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