Day 900: The 12th of January

It is a big milestone today, eh?

Still, it couldn’t have come at a worse time. Middle of exam season, really? But regardless, I shall give you the low down.

Finally managed to sort out my thoughts regarding company law and have printed out my revision notes now. That means I can get down to the memorisation of cases and statutes and be completely prepared for my exam. However, I also have to get my family law revision prepared, so I shall probably be starting that on the weekend.

All in all, it is a very busy time of year for me. After January it calms down for a little while and we just meander through semester 2, but then it will all ramp up again as we approach my final exams and coursework. The only thing I can really do is attempt to prepare and understand the topics earlier to take some of the pressure off.

Still, three exams coming up in the next two weeks. Two next week and one the following week. After those are done I can start thinking about life again.

So, since it is a relatively big post, I guess I should talk about something other than my day today. Otherwise I will feel bad.

Over the past couple of months, I have been thinking a lot about actually trying to talk to a girl more and see if we can meet up at some point, as I do find her pretty attractive from our interactions in the past. Of course, coming from a 21 year old virgin, I could probably find any girl who talked to me for more than a minute attractive, but that is an aside. Assuming this isn’t merely the placebo effect of a long period of loneliness, I would like to hang out with her more.

And this is something that I, as the stupid person that I am, have brought up to some other people a few times. Mainly my closest friends, but also when I am drunk I do tend to spill a lot of personal information about myself. So there is that. This makes my inevitable failure to get anywhere all the more painful as people are expecting me to be trying to hang out with her more.

I was talking to this girl over Facebook messenger every now and then, just the usual conversations about university and whatnot. Still, I like to have time to think about my replies and I don’t want to just message out of the blue, so I have not sent anything in a while.

For all I know, in the current climate of the world, I am being a terrible person. Maybe she just wants a friend and I am doing the creepy male thing of always trying to start a romantic relationship with girls. But, I feel like I have to try my luck, because I honestly find her really interesting and I would be happy just being friends, since she appears to like my sense of humour.

So, despite being told that I am probably not her type by people over New Years, I am going to hopefully invite her to hang out when the rest of us go out over the Easter break. And hopefully I don’t act like an idiot. To be honest, once I get that far I have no idea what I would do from there. Probably let any chance that I hypothetically have slip away, as I have in the past. Because that is life when you have severe social anxiety! Hooray!

So, I hope that was a little bit more positive than my usual melodramatic howling about how I am so alone. To be honest, it is hard for me to stop myself from asking the usual questions, about why anyone would be attracted to someone like me. The very idea of getting my hopes up about possibly meeting someone who likes me actually makes me feel guilty, as if I don’t deserve that sort of happiness.

I guess it all comes back to that age old worry. If you are forward and actually try to attract a girl who turns you down, then you have reinforced that stereotype that all men just want to get with women, rather than just be friends. If you aren’t forward, and hope that they come to you, you end up with nothing. Or you end up turning down a couple of girls in secondary school and feeling like a dick for a long period of time.

That’s just some of my thoughts and feelings as I go into the 900s of my blog posts. This is the first time in a long time that I have been this blunt and honest too. But if I don’t let these feelings out somewhere then they will eat me up inside forever. And I can’t just talk to my friends about them because they will think I am vying for their attention. So this blog will have to do.

Elliott Rogers, novice blog writer extraordinaire.



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